Motivation

I wrote this about a week ago and was hesitant to post it, but after thinking about it I guess i will:

Now that I'm back in school my time is getting extremely occupied. I have become the person I have always loathed -namely the workoholic, always busy, always tired (but without the opportunity to make it up unlike the summer), impatient, intolerant, always trying to be productive type.

More and more I realize that If I'm not suffering, I feel guilty and low. If I am not sacrificing sleep, time, mental well-being, etc for something, then I, in an innate sense, feel I am doing something wrong. Throughout my entire life, I feel like the more I suffer, strive, endure, and demoralize my own self the more I am praised. This world praises those who suffer with honor, nobility, stature, statues; and disdains those who enjoy life, take a long vacation, do what they want instead of what they "should", seek pleasure instead of a goal. It is like society has this malevolent, contemptuous evil eye for those who seek pleasure. Three weeks ago, I read a passage in a book by Schopenhauer, which said that suffering is what we humans strive for to no end. The next day I went to church and my very own pastor said in his lesson that we should all seek to suffer!!!!!!!!!!! I almost shat myself when he said that. And now after hearing that, and considering it here, I'm thinking, "man I'm screwed, my future is to suffer? why do we do this to ourselves, to one another?!" What a way to live. One way to interpret this is to say that "oh Mark, you are just looking at it wrong, just think positive. things that you see as negative are in truth positive...yatayatayata" Then I guess in that case, all is nothing and nothing is all, that is -"its all relative." Bullshit